Some of the most shocking twists have come at the end of the season finales. In honor of Wednesday’s finale of the brisk fifth season, titled “The Incident,” I’ve ranked the last scenes of each finale. As per tradition, each final scene is given a secret codename. This year, they’ve allowed internet votes to decide the final name: The Fork in the Outlet. The producers say it’s fitting, so color me excited. Anyway, on with the countdown.

#4. The Bagel (Season 1: “Exodus”)

What Happens? The survivors blow up The Hatch, the season’s most mind-boggling mystery. All season, fans were dying to know what was inside. Aliens? Top secret research facility? Probably aliens, right? After the hatch door was blown off, the camera slowly slid backwards down a long tunnel into the ground, to eventually reveal…absolutely nothing. Boom. 

Definitely the most fist-shaking ending of the show’s history. Not even a hint of an alien! Or a Desmond, as the case turned out to be. Another reason to watch this show on DVD: you don’t have to wait a whole summer to discover the mystery of the hatch. (To be fair, the clip does contain a pretty gorgeous montage, a rarity in Lost nowadays.)

#3. The Challah (Season 2: “Live Together, Die Alone”)

What Happens? After the survivors fail to push the button in the hatch, Desmond turns the fail safe key and blows up the whole damn thing (two mysteries solved: the purpose of the Swan Station, and the cause of Oceanic 815′s crash). In the final scene,  a computer picks up an “electromagnetic anomaly” in a remote research facility. A scientist instantly dials a phone number and Penny, Desmond’s long lost love, answers. She hears: “Ms. Widmore? I think we’ve found him.” Boom.

My first reaction: What? And not an “Oh my God!” kind of “what” that Lost usually does so well, but a more disappointed, confused one. How on earth did Penny make the connection between Desmond and electromagnetic anomalies? As it sunk in, I began to realize the main implication of the scene: someone else would soon be coming to the island. Very cool, but the moment itself only inspired confusion. Unlike these next two, which only inspired awesome.

#2. The Frozen Donkey Wheel (Season 4: “There’s No Place Like Home”)

What Happens? Future Ben tells Future Jack that if he wants to save everyone, he’ll have to bring them all back to the island, including the deceased Jeremy Bentham. We’ve waiting since last season finale to find out who it was, and the big reveal is…fan favorite John Locke. Boom.

A very well done ending to a breathless episode. In typical Lost fashion, it answered a question by inspiring a lot more. Mainly, how did John Locke die? And what will happen when they get back to the island, and how can they, if it moved? A lot of food for thought over the summer that made the show’s return even more rewarding.

And the number one Lost final scene…

1. The Rattlesnake in the Mailbox (Season 3: “Through the Looking Glass”)

What Happens? In Island Time, Jack finally succeeds in securing rescue (seemingly) for the castaways. Off-Island, Jack is bearded, drugged out and suicidal. He keeps calling someone, begging them to meet him at the airpot. In the final scene at the airport, A car drives up and Kate(!) steps out. Jack says he’s sick of lying.(!!) Kate says she has to go: he’ll be wondering where he is.(!?!) As she drives away, he screams: “We have to go back, Kate! WE HAVE TO GO BACK! (?!?!?!?!?!?) Boom.

Without a doubt, the best Lost twist ever, finale or otherwise. To end three seasons of flashbacks with a flashforward completely turned the entire structure of the show on its ear and expanded the scope of the show to planetary dimensions. Not to mention the fact that they get off the island halfway through the series instead of at the end, a major curveball for a desert island mystery. Whoever complained that Lost was running out of steam in its third season was instantly silenced. 

My vague prediction for The Fork in the Outlet: Jack succeeds in getting everyone back to the correct time and place, but something is very, very wrong. Maybe someone is dead who shouldn’t be. Maybe someone with freckles and a criminal past.

What do you think will happen?

Take a look.

Kirby Dick, the documentarian responsible for This Film Is Not Yet Rated, investigates the hypocrisy of closeted politicians denying gay people rights. In the process he outs a considerable number of Washington bigwigs. According to the LA Times, his targets include:

Florida’s current  governor, Charlie Crist, who was viewed for a time as a front-runner to be John McCain’s vice-presidential pick; David Dreier (R-San Dimas), who was once a leading candidate for the House majority leader post when the Republicans still controlled Congress; Ken Mehlman, George Bush’s campaign manager during the 2004 election and former Republican National Committee chairman; former New York City mayor Ed Koch; the now-retired Idaho Sen. Larry Craig; Jim McCrery (R-La.), a ranking member on the House Ways and Means Committee who retired last year; Ed Schrock (R-Va.), who retired in 2004; and — gasp — the prominent Fox News anchor Shepard Smith. 

I like it. It’s beautiful without being cheesy.

I’m really looking forward to this. The book was absorbing and the cast is pretty perfect: Mark Wahlberg, Rachel Weisz, Susan Sarandon, Stanley Tucci and Atonement‘s Saoirse Ronan as the girl who watches her family and murderer deal with her death from above. And with Jackson in charge it should, at the very least, be visually striking.

5. Nine Inch Nails: The Perfect Drug

The colors, children! Mark Romanek’s deep, vivid palette of blacks, purples and greens make this video absolutely gorgeous.

Highlight: The vulture. It’s shocking, scary and kinda pretty all at once.

4. Bjork: It’s Oh So Quiet

Bjork’s most approachable video in her bizarre catalog. Director Spike Jonze reigns in the pop star’s taste for the outlandish and instead recreates the fun and spontaneity of an old movie musical. One of the most purely joyful videos ever made.

Highlight: A mailbox, overcome with exuberance, sprouts arms and dances with Bjork.

3. The Darkness: I Believe in a Thing Called Love

Was this band a joke? They couldn’t have been serious, with the jumpsuits and the piercing falsetto and the hairstyles that went out of fashion decades ago. Whether they were serious or not, the video for this one hit wonder is absolutely hysterical. Everything that happens is an inspired send-up of glamour rockstar overkill.

Highlight: The band destroys the space monster with the power of ROCK.

2. Johnny Cash: Hurt

From the gut-wrenching, heartbreaking file comes Johnny Cash’s Hurt, a cover of a Nine Inch Nails song. Recorded less than a year before Cash’s death, Mark Romanek’s video basically serves as a flashback of the tortured crooner’s mountainous career. Cash’s regrets, nostalgia and mortality shine through the sepia-toned images.

Highlight: Wondering what June Carter Cash is thinking as she looks upon her dying husband. 

1. UNKLE: Rabbit in Your Headlights

I don’t know what it means, or why it’s so powerful. But it is.

A mumbling, incoherent man in a large coat stumbles through a tunnel. Some cars swerve around him, others hit him head on. Repeatedly. He keeps getting back up, and he keeps getting knocked down. Until the end, when something incredible happens.

Highlight: The jawdropping conclusion, then trying to figure out what it means.

STAR TREK

5.8.09

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a full episode of the show. I saw one of the movies, First Contact, on VHS. It was enjoyable, and then I forgot about Star Trek for basically the rest of my life.

And then I saw the trailer. 

Holy crap does this look good! Hollywood loves to cram action and explosions into their summer films, but very rarely does it look exciting. JJ Abrams (Lost) does little wrong (Mission: Impossible 3), and he may have found a new leading man in Chris Pine. He is riding that motorcycle, I tell you what. 

UP

5.29.09

I’ll be honest: I’m super gay for Pixar. With the one exception of Cars, each of their films has been funny, original and absolutely gorgeous to look at. They never compromise their integrity for fart jokes or obnoxious pulp culture references. Instead, they tell fascinating stories with original characters that are full of heart.

What’s more, they trust their audience not be complete idiots. They took a gamble last summer with Wall*E, which featured zero dialogue in it’s entire first half, and it paid off. It’s one of their most beloved films to date. Up looks just as unconventional: an old man (voiced by Ed Asner) balloons his house off the ground and goes on an adventure. I love how the marketing gives very little away: we’re not sure why he does this, or what will happen to his balloon house, but I can’t wait to find out.

THE BROTHERS BLOOM

5.29.09

I’ll let the trailer do most of the talking on this one. It just looks like a fun movie with a great cast. Kinda like Oceans 11 before it got all popular and sequely. Plus I’ll watch Rachel Weisz in just about anything.

HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF-BLOOD PRINCE

7.17.09

The sixth and best entry in the Harry Potter series finally hits theaters this summer, and it’s probably the most anticipated film on my list. There are so many sequences I can’t wait to see visualized (two words: septum sempra). Judging from the trailer, Prince bridges the gap between the wizarding world and the real world, adding a sense of importance to the magical proceedings. 

And finally…

BRUNO

7.10.09

What Borat did with xenophobia, Bruno looks to do with homophobia. I didn’t think it was possible, but Bruno looks even more offensive, uncomfortable and hilarious than Borat. Check out the red band trailer: I lost it when he unveiled his adopted child’s “traditional African name.” Director Larry Charles also directed Borat and some of the best episodes of Curb Your Enthusiasm, so I’m expecting scads of awkward humor based on how people react to uncomfortable situations.

The second-prize winner from the middle school group really should have won the whole thing. His respectfully titled “Women Were Designed for Homemaking” project is an iron-clad argument against women doing anything other than birthing and cleaning:

[P]hysics shows that women have a lower center of gravity than men, making them more suited to carrying groceries and laundry baskets; biology shows that women were designed to carry un-born babies in their wombs and to feed born babies milk, making them the natural choice for child rearing; social sciences show that the wages for women workers are lower than for normal workers, meaning that they are unable to work as well and thus earn equal pay; and exegetics shows that God created Eve as a companion for Adam, not as a co-worker.

Wouldn’t the man’s stronger upper body be more suited to carrying groceries and laundry baskets? And yes, women do birth babies and possess the capability to nurse them, so they should raise them all on their own? Apparently.

But God Almighty, nothing tops the kid’s whacked out perspective on social sciences. There’s no way the “women must not be as good at working as men are, so that’s why they’re paid less” argument would fly in a public school. Absolutely no way ever.

I know they’re kids, but how can a group of adults reward them for saying things that are either A: not true, or B: wildly misogynistic?

Genius

Like my film professor used to say, art is not created in the vaccuum.

This is especially true with South Park, Matt Parker and Trey Stone’s subversive, irreverent and sometimes irrelevant animated satire that often draws inspiration from current events. Each week, we wonder what their target will be: Jonas Brothers? Gay trends? Environmentalism? Michael Jackson? Queefing?

Last week, the duo thankfully put both Kanye West and Carlos Mencia in their crosshairs. I applauded when Kanye West was revealed as the only person in the world who didn’t get the funniest joke of all time (invented by the boys, of course). Mencia’s plagiarized and potentially cancerous comedy stylings were mostly glossed over; Kanye’s enormous ego bared the brunt of the episode’s jabs, and it gave the real Kanye something to think about.

From his blog, written apparently with a broken caps lock key:

SOUTH PARK MURDERED ME LAST NIGHT AND IT’S PRETTY FUNNY. IT HURTS MY FEELINGS BUT WHAT CAN YOU EXPECT FROM SOUTH PARK!

He goes on:

I ACTUALLY HAVE BEEN WORKING ON MY EGO THOUGH.[...]I JUST WANNA BE A DOPER PERSON WHICH STARTS WITH ME NOT ALWAYS TELLING PEOPLE HOW DOPE I THINK I AM. I NEED TO JUST GET PAST MYSELF. DROP THE BRAVADO AND JUST MAKE DOPE PRODUCT. EVERYTHING IS NOT THAT SERIOUS.

South Park actually lowered Kanye West’s ego.

In  a slightly different vein, Parker and Stone were recently presented with a framed and autographed photo of Saddam Hussein, who they portray in their 1999 movie as more evil than his gay lover, Satan. The US Marines who captured Saddam allegedly forced him to watch the movie several times while in captivity. Stone was delighted:

“We’re very proud of our signed Saddam picture and what it means. Its one of our biggest highlights.”

And what does it mean, exactly? Does it mean that South Park actually has a strong effect on the celebrities it lampoons? Or did they just get lucky?

Even though most (not all) celebrities simply laugh or ignore the show, it’s still worth noting that charicatures reflect celebrities’ public personas. Future historians could easily rummage through old episodes and see how entertainment reflected the country’s mood at the time. South Park’s unique production schedule – work all week on an episode, turn it in at the last minute, start next week’s episode – allow them to be right on track with the country’s current woes (the recent episode about the economy is a fantastic exaggeration of all the crazy going on right now). Shows like The Simpsons or Family Guy aren’t aired until several months after the episode’s conception, so they can’t devote an entire episode to a recent event. South Park, on the other hand, aired an episode about Obama’s victory the night after he won. It’s that timeliness and refusal to call anything off-limits that keeps everyone coming back.

So awesome it hurts a little